Hi everyone, saying it’s been a while is a bit of an understatement. So much life has happened since I last published anything on here, which is probably why I haven’t gotten around to updating you all. I have this problem with procrastination, when I don’t think I can do something perfectly or that I could possibly mess that thing up, I put it off. Of course, this creates an unfortunate cycle of stress because I’m always scrambling at the last minute to get things done, which is why I’m trying very hard to break this well-practiced habit. So here I am, sitting in my hotel room in Minnesota, during the wee hours of the morning, finally writing to all you lovely people.
When I take a look back to as little as even a year ago, I can hardly believe that version of me once existed. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. Fundamentally I am the same, but the way I operate, the way I think, the way I look at life is so much different. Sometimes I think I’m crazy for believing this about myself, that I am still that anxious and confused girl that I was and that I truly haven’t changed or grown. In those moments I wonder if I’m the only one that sees the change, but then those close to me will tell me they’re so proud of how grown, how I finally worked up the courage to make decisions for myself.
I’ve always had a hard time deciding things for myself. I am a naturally indecisive person with a fierce need to please others. Those two characteristics make for a very confused and unhappy girl. I never want to hurt people’s feelings and I will go to great lengths to ensure I do not do so, but a lot of times I’ll end up being the one that gets hurt because of my inability to speak up for myself or say how I honestly feel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a chronic people-pleaser, but the Lord has been so kind to me and reminded me time and time again, He is who I must seek to please and sometimes that may mean others might not agree.
For me, that notion of not being able to please everyone, along with the very real fact sometimes people just may not like you cuts me to my very core. I have this strong desire to be loved and wanted, so when someone may not love or want me, I am crushed. I know what you’re probably thinking, “that’s a very unhealthy way of living, Macy,” and you’re right, it is, which is why I’m working so hard not to let it affect me on such a personal level. I’m learning to rely on the Lord’s love first and foremost and go to Him before anyone or anything else to receive that lasting love only He can give. I’m reminding myself each day that I cannot live off the approval of humans alone but to find peace in the Lord’s.
I’d say my fear of hurting others or somehow making them angry with me can prevent me from doing what is best for myself almost every time. I’m not sure where this idea in my head came from, that I have to make sure I’m always doing what others want and what makes them happy and that’s how I can earn their love. Like if I did just one more thing or kept my mouth shut or bent over backward just a little more, they would love me. It’s not like many people ever asked that of me anyway, most everyone near and dear to me have always loved me without any condition. Nevertheless, I still carried these thoughts with me daily and allowed myself to listen to people over what the Lord was saying or asking of me.
As I had said at the beginning of this post, this past year has brought about many changes in my life. Most were not easy and many of them tested me to my very being, but each one taught me more about myself, about the Lord, and about life. It’s ironic really because I hate change, and anyone close to me will attest to how truly terribly I handle it. I am a certified pack rat who will keep anything with sentimental value and who has a morning and night routine that probably hasn’t changed since middle school. I don’t operate well within change; I like the familiar, the steady, the consistent. I hold on to people even more tightly than I hold on to things, which to say the least, has caused some issues over the years. I don’t know when to let go, when to move on and accept some people just maybe aren’t meant to be around forever. That sometimes holding on to them is doing exactly the opposite of what you’re so desperately trying to avoid; hurting them more.
I had to let go of a lot of people, ideas, and plans in the past year. I had to face the harsh reality that decisions needed to be made and life had to be dealt with. As you can probably imagine, my procrastinating nature and indecisive propensities were rearing their ugly head in full force at that time. I was an anxious mess who was terrified of the future, I cried myself to sleep almost every night and slowly became a shell of the girl I was. I knew it was time to make changes, but the prospect of possibly getting hurt or having to heal because of said changes was too much for me. Though it came to a point that not making the tough decisions was hurting me much more than the act of actually doing them.
So I did. I made the changes and followed my heart even when others may not have understood. I trusted my gut and trusted what the Lord was leading me to do and I gained something I was severely lacking. Confidence. Confidence not only in myself but also in the Lord’s guidance and goodness. Yes, it was hard and I had to allow myself the time to heal in many ways, but I also began to smile and wave at the future. I began to embrace life once again, to happily greet new opportunities and enjoy them. I built up the strength I needed and I finally did what the Lord had been asking of me for so long; to trust Him and have faith that He knows what is best for me, His daughter. The crazy and equally beautiful thing is because I finally listened to Him and made the tough decisions, He blessed me with a sense of peace, joy, and lightness I hadn’t experienced in quite some time.
Now that I can look back and see each change that was made from a different perspective, I’m at peace. I’m better for the decisions that were made and my relationship with the Lord has continued to flourish. I’m no longer dreading talking with Him and listening to what He has to say because I now realize what He has for me is much better than any “human-made” plan I could ever concoct. He knows the desires of my heart and He knows who He has made me to be.
There are still so many things I hope to accomplish and experience in life, but for now, I’m trying my best to take things one day at a time. Truthfully, most days I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life or what path I should be taking, but I’ve heard this is how most 21-year-olds feel and I’m not alone in the perplexing stage of life that is “adulting”. I still wonder what adventures I have ahead of me or what surprise the Lord has up His sleeve, but I am looking towards those future moments with a feeling of joy and excitement I did not have a year ago. I am trying my hardest to enjoy each stage of life because I know in the blink of an eye it will only be a memory, and I don’t want to waste the moments I have.
I am trusting the Lord has the most beautiful future ahead for me.
I am holding on to His promises.
I am living.