I know it’s been a while since I’ve written a post and that has everything to do with this story. I’ve always been so vulnerable and open with you all and I didn’t feel right writing a post and skipping over this huge chunk of this last year. I’ve been struggling with whether to even put this out there for the world to see, but I know it’s what I have to do to continue on in my story. I’m not writing this for pity or attention, but rather to bring glory to the God who saved me from myself. I hope with all of my heart this entry encourages and brings hope to at least some of you. Enjoy.
About this time last year, I was ready to end it all. I didn’t see any point in continuing my life here on this earth. I was broken, bitter, and done. I’m not sure what finally triggered the breaking point, but I do know I had never felt so numb in my entire life. As I’ve said before, this post has been one I’ve been going back and forth on for months now. On one hand I’m terrified to talk about this dark time, but on the other hand, I’m ready to open up about how the Lord plucked me out of that deep valley.
Spring of 2016 I graduated from high school. It was the beginning of a new era. I was so ready for life post mandatory education and everything that comes with this new stage of life. I went into the summer so happy and hopeful. I couldn’t wait to see what the fall would bring. I traveled to Florida, New York, and Florida again all within the span of a couple of months. I spent quality time with friends and family and even landed myself a job that would start the coming fall. It was the summer that dreams were made of… until it no longer was.
Ever since I can remember I’ve always dealt with depression and anxiety. I’ve tried numerous medications and I’ve also gone to countless counselors. For a long time, it was manageable and just something I was able to go on with. Of course, some days were worse than others, but I persisted nonetheless. Looking back to last year I’m not sure how I let myself get to such a point. I’ve always prided myself on being self-aware and able to ask for help when I needed it, but somehow I allowed all of those attributes to slip away.
Senior year was a tough one. I can definitely see now how my depression and anxiety spiked that year, but at the time I pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to admit that what other people were saying and doing could get to me. I didn’t want to believe that my illness or my situation with my dad could actually affect me. I didn’t want to face my deep seeded problems head on like I should have.
In retrospect, I think it was a lifetime of built up anger, confusion, and loss that lead me to that fateful night in the ER last fall. However, I also know I let myself be eaten alive by the lies of the world and the bleakness that comes with it. I lost sight of what truly matters and the truth that the Lord speaks. I was lost inside myself and had no idea how to claw my way out.
As summer went on I started to feel less and less happy. The summer that was supposed to be the summer of a lifetime quickly started to become a battle for my mind. I can remember sitting in rooms with people and knowing they were talking to me but only hearing things like “no one loves you”, “you’re never going to be enough”, “why don’t you just do everyone a favor and end it?” on repeat in my mind. I couldn’t shake it so instead, I held on to it. Tighter and tighter each time.
I would lay in my bed and scream while nothing came out and cry until no more tears were shed. I would look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw. Not just hate but loathe. I’d go days without having one kind thought about myself. Unfortunately, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Even while all of this was happening, I still managed to convince myself that I was fine. Nothing was wrong. It was normal to want to die and be done forever, right? So I thought at least.
As summer began to come to a close I got busier and busier. I was helping my boyfriend get ready to move down to Florida to college and spending those last responsibility-free days with friends before we all started on our new stages in life. It was all very bittersweet and yet, I was still struggling to push through minute by minute. No one really knew what was going on inside my head but people were starting to tell their Macy wasn’t quite right. People would ask me if I was okay and I would chalk it up to all the changes that were happening. While that was partially true, it wasn’t even scraping the surface of what was really going on.
Eventually, the summer ended and the change ensued. My boyfriend, Matt, was officially in Florida and my friends were starting to become busy with work and school. To top it all off my cousin/sister/best friend, Emily had moved to Hawaii. Needless to say, it was rough. I do think these things contributed to the decline in my mental health for sure, but I also know it would have happened anyway. I wasn’t fighting to try to get better anymore and I was becoming more and more distant. I was no longer myself and didn’t know what to do.
My job officially started that fall which was a welcome blessing. It was just what I needed to get out of the house and socialize, but even that couldn’t drown out the thoughts swirling about in my head. I started to avoid people because my self-esteem no longer existed. Thoughts of jealousy and comparison skyrocketed. I was being consumed by my self-hatred. At this point, I was having panic attacks daily and suicidal thoughts almost constantly. I didn’t know who I was anymore and the people closest to me knew they were losing me.
I was so angry all the time for no reason. I couldn’t even have a conversation with my closest family members or friends without wanting to either scream or cry. It was awful and I know it was just as hard on them. They all started to become very concerned but of course, I continued to deny anything was wrong. Though of course, my mom and momma Kathy saw right through that. After many failed attempts of them trying to intervene, I finally cracked. The wall I had built around my heart was starting to chip away and I opened up to them.
I’ll never forget the night I told my mom I wanted to kill myself. She called my momma Kathy right away and they both held me and cried. I hated how sad they were. I hated that I made them feel that way. I hated that I couldn’t just shut the thoughts off. After I refused to go to the ER and promised I wouldn’t act on anything they sent me to my counselor and made me swear to talk to them if I ever had any thoughts like that again. Little did they know at the time, the thoughts were endless.
Not long after that Matt came home for Thanksgiving break. It was supposed to be a nice relaxing time together, but of course, my mind wouldn’t allow such a thing. I remember we were coming home from a football game and I had a panic attack. He took me back to his house where his family, our friend, and my mom were and I lost it. I’m not sure what came over me, but all I know is reliving that moment pains me still. For whatever reason that can only be explained as my emotions boiling over, I stormed out of their house angrily and went home. My mom got home right after and scolded me for being so rude and not believing I could ever act such a way. She had every right to say those things because never in my right mind would act like way. That was the problem though, I wasn’t in my right mind. I responded by telling her I couldn’t do it anymore, I was ready to end it and she needed to take me to the ER right away or I would go through with my thoughts.
That was the darkest night of my life. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I no longer had any sense of who I was. Matt and one of my very best friend’s/practical sister, Jaimee, met us at the hospital and we all made the decision that I needed to go to a psychiatric rehab hospital for proper help. I had never felt so exhausted and low in my life. I was so tired of trying to continue on the way I was living and I couldn’t even lie to myself anymore. Something was seriously wrong.
I started an outpatient program in a city an hour away not long after. It was a week program or longer if needed. I remember feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. I was ready to get better and get better quickly. I was only there for five days but the changes that occurred were nothing short of a miracle. I ended up being diagnosed with chronic depression and severe anxiety. They also put me on the correct meds to help control my issues. If I’m being honest though, those things aren’t even what truly helped. Of course, they played a part, but they weren’t the main thing. The Lord is who broke me and pieced me back together in those five days. He broke down those walls that guarded my heart and pieced together what was shattered. He held me tight and whispered truths to me through it all.
Truthfully though, He’s been doing that since the day I was born. That Still Small Voice has been there since the beginning, I just lost sight of it for a while. I chose to believe lies instead of His promises and quickly fell into the Devil’s Snares. I let myself care more about what other’s thought than following His path. I buried all of those hard things in my life deep down so I wouldn’t have to deal with them and because of that, I suffered even more.
In the end, though, Our Heavenly Father’s love always prevails and this time is no exception. I still can’t wrap my mind around all that He did in those five days, but it was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I somehow walked out of there as Macy 2.0. Even my family and friend’s recognized the change right away. A burden was lifted and I could see His Goodness once again.
Since then I’ve been doing so much better. Of course, there have been tough days here and there, but nothing that compares to the wilderness I was in before. I’m still saddened at how I let the Devil override my mind to such a point, but I’m endlessly thankful for a God who never stops fighting for us. His love, grace, and mercy are beyond any measure or explanation.
There have been many things that have happened from then to now and I’m so excited to see where He continues to guide me. Right now, I’m working on some big projects at my church and spending time with friend’s and family. I’m eternally thankful for those who stood by me during that time and the new friend’s I have acquired along the way. Beyond that though, I’m thankful for my Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and will stop at nothing to prove that to me. He never fails to leave me in awe of His wonder and glory.
I want anyone who is struggling with mental health issues of any kind or any harmful thoughts to know that there is help out there. You do not have to go it alone. You do not have to stay stuck in a hopeless feeling or mindset. There are a countless number of people and places that would love to be there for you and help you. There is ALWAYS a better option than suicide. Please know that you are worth the love you are given and you are more valuable than you will ever begin to know. You are not a waste of space or an inconvenience. You are loved and cherished. Not only by your friend’s and family but by your Creator and Heavenly Father. He will always sustain and care for you beyond what you could ask for. Here are some bible verses that helped me through that time and still bring me encouragement and hope now:
- “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8
- “But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.” -Psalm 3:3
“The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.” -Psalm 37:23-24
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10
- “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” -Psalm 55:22
- “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” -Psalm 56:3
- “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” -Psalm 46:1
- “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this post. I so appreciate each and every one of you! I sincerely hope this helped at least someone out there to know there is always hope to be found. If anyone would ever like to talk you can go to my contact page to get a hold of me! If you feel you can’t talk to anyone you know, you can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) which is open 24 hours a day. Please never hesitate to ask for help. You are worth it. God bless you all!