Hello, everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been so inactive on here lately, life just has a way of keeping you busy I suppose. Over the past few months, the Lord has been teaching me so many things. He’s opened up many doors in my life and I can’t wait to see where He continues to lead me. This post is a very personal one for me because it’s going to walk you through a very vulnerable part of my journey in the last couple months. However, I am so excited to share with you all how the Lord has been working in my life lately. He is so good and I hope this post expresses that! So sit back, relax, and read away!
I look back on all the years I’ve journeyed through and I have this sense of peace. Even through all the mistakes and pain and hardships, this life includes, I’m happy with where I’ve ended up. I think for a long time I focused so much on what has changed and what I could’ve done differently and ignored that fact that I’ve truly learned so much because of it all.
I love to look back on all the journals I’ve kept and remember what I was feeling in those moments. It breaks my heart to read how broken I was for so long… I just want to tell my younger self that I was and am loved and worth it. Then there are other times where I want to yell at that version of Macy and tell her how stupid she was… My favorite entries though are the ones where I wrote of a those purely blissful moments; wishing I could hold on to that feeling forever.
Sometimes I try to figure out what all happened along the way to make me the woman I am today… I wish you could just remember it all. Every single day. Every heartbreak, every butterfly in my stomach, every rage of anger I ever felt. I want to know it all. I want to piece together the puzzle that is me. I want to sit back and appreciate every moment I took for granted. I want to thank God for all the times He picked me up and dusted me off.
Recently I’ve buried a lot of hatchets. I held onto bitterness of certain situations for too long. I didn’t want to let go of the hurt I felt because I was afraid once I did I’d have to finally muck up the courage to reconcile with those feelings. I didn’t want to open the wounds that I so carefully buried deep inside my heart. I didn’t want to come face to face with the pain and regret. Let me tell you though, it’s such a humbling experience to have to admit that in some ways you’ve messed up. That along the way you said or did something you shouldn’t have. That you could have so easily avoided so much heartbreak. Mostly though, it’s just scary to not be able to control the repercussions of your actions… But these past couple months I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could. I thought I’d have a piece of me eternally hoping I could fix it all. What I didn’t realize is I needed to give it to God fully. Truly let Him take control of the situation.
I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I thought that I had gotten better but I still had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that caused such discontent. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong because I kept suppressing the entire issue. I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t want to go through the messiness of dealing with everything head on. But God had different plans… Over and over again He gave me every opportunity to deal with and fix the brokenness inside me; I was just too stubborn. But low and behold He opened my eyes to very clearly see what He wanted me to do all along.
God doesn’t allow us to go through difficult times without a purpose. He doesn’t let us get to our lowest point without a promise of redemption. This has become more and more apparent to me over the years. It seems like no matter how much I mess up, He’s always there to help me deal with the consequences. 2016 especially was a very trying year in the life of Macy Woolf. I allowed myself to get to my lowest point because of so much built up hurt and grief. I pushed people away and buried myself in isolation. I look back on that time and can’t help but be amazed at how my life has changed so dramatically. Many people close to me thought they had lost me for good… Heck, I thought I had lost myself for good. The scariest part about the whole thing was that even though I felt myself spiraling I didn’t know how to make it stop.
You can spend an entire lifetime regretting certain moments in your life. You can hash and rehash those situations until you have a million different scenarios of ways things could have gone. You can get angry and feel stupid and lose all hope because of the choices you made. You can spend months feeling numb to the world and without ever realizing how gone you truly are. You can close your heart off to any ounce of love someone wants to give you in fear of having it ripped out of your chest all over again. But these actions never fix the brokenness inside you. They never allow you to bind up the wounds within your soul. They never give you the peace you are so desperately longing for. The only thing that can truly bring a feeling of contentment into your life is the act of fully surrendering yourself to The Lord. Giving Him every little worry or doubt you’ve ever experienced. Letting His word be ever present in your life and letting His hand guide you on your path.
I refused to see for so long what He wanted me to do with my bitterness and pain. I was scared to let go and take that leap. I didn’t want to diminish the hurt I had experienced. But one of the worst things you can do in life is sit in self-pity. Of course, there are times where it’s justified, but you stay in that state for too long, you start to forget the light that the love of God can bring. I didn’t want to let anyone in… I didn’t want to admit that the way I was “dealing” with my issues maybe wasn’t the right way to go about it. I was being stubborn and ignoring the words of direction God was giving me. Let me tell you, though when I finally gave up the fight and listened to The Lord, a feeling of peace flooded through my entire being. It was as if my soul could finally breath; I finally felt content.
God wrecked me in the most beautifully loving way… He walked alongside me through the darkness and waited patiently for me to open my eyes to the light. Once I finally stepped out of that dark place and allowed the love of God to engulf me, I could breathe. I’m so thankful for the ever-persistent love He has for us. During that time of anger and bitterness, I thought the Lord wasn’t listening to my cries… I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was whispering truths and wisdom into my heart the entire time, I just wasn’t opening my ears to His words.
He knew and understood the pain and rejection I had felt and held my hand through every moment of it. One night He led me to a church event where through an amazing woman of faith He made it apparent what I needed to do. I had to forgive and let go of the anger that was pent up in my heart. I had to get rid of the seed of bitterness that had grown inside of me. Once I finally did that He blessed me beyond measure. He led me to an amazing community group filled with women who love Him above all things. He knew the loneliness I had felt during that trying time and gifted me with community once I allowed Him to soften my heart. He knew these women would be able to love me and be there for me in a Christ-like manner. He knew they were exactly what I needed for my heart to continue to heal.
I realize now that what was hurting me the most wasn’t the actions of other people, but the dependency I had on them. I wasn’t depending on God fully and because of that, my heart hardened. I allowed things to get to me more than they should have. He’s taught me so much lately but the one truth I’ve held on to the most is that the Lord is always there. He doesn’t orchestrate the bad parts of your life, but He does teach you things through them. He loves us more than we can comprehend and longs to know us on a personal level. He knows our hearts inside and out and knows exactly how to heal them if you allow Him to. I hope if you take anything away from this entry it’s that the darkness doesn’t last forever. There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel and the Lord is leading you there step by step. He shall never forsake you.